'Tis the Season to be Dzaddy

Hump Day Motivation 12/23/20

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This is gangletown’s Hump Day Motivation (HDM), a bi-weekly edition meant to inspire joy (or at least distraction) and get us through rough mid-week moments. The HDM is released every other Wednesday for paid subscribers only. That said, if you know someone that might love it, you have my full blessing to forward it their way!

Here are a few of the things bringing me joy this week. I hope you love them!

1. Yes, Chef.

I used to hate cooking. I’m not really “into” food, and, aside from sugary baked goods, I don’t really like the act of eating. Some people live for food, but I am just not those people. If I could consume all my nutrients and whatnot from a pill, I would 100% do it. As a result (or perhaps the other way around?), I also didn’t historically enjoy cooking. It has always felt like something that I had to do. I’d rather spend my time doing other things like writing or making up annoying songs that annoy my husband. I also used to work in restaurants and, for a long time, blamed my disinterest in cooking on that—overexposure for twelve years yada yada yada. I’m not sure that I’ve maxed out that excuse-card yet…

This month, I’ve been trying to cook more. I’m doing this for a couple of reasons. One, because I don’t want my husband to divorce me for being an incompetent leech that sits on the couch writing and making up annoying songs. Two, because I’ve found that it can feel productive as opposed to burdensome. Three, I’ve found it to be quality quiet time or audiobook/podcast time.

I’m am not a good cook. I am not necessarily a bad cook! But I am not yet a good cook, and I’m okay with that. I’m in the learning process and taking it easy on myself. For the most part, I am focusing on InstantPot recipes. They’re mostly just preparing ingredients and throwing them in the pot. I’m not apologizing for this. Last week, I made a whole-ass chicken in that thing! But here is the fun part: this week, I am taking what I learned via the InstantPot and applying it to a proper oven-baked culinary adventure for Christmas dinner. I did this same thing with a poached cod recipe this month, too - InstantPot for the first time, stovetop for the second - and Blaine was not poisoned, so I consider it a success. Watch this space to find out whether we die of salmonella or something on Christmas.

2. Santa Could Sit On My Lap

We all grew up awkwardly sitting on laps of mostly waning-aged, white-bearded, cis-male Santa’s at the mall. Some people really loved that journey, and they developed full-blown Santaphilia. Others, like me, celebrate that journey for them! We support the fantasy. Get your dzaddy-Santa kink and live your dreams!

I did not personally fall for that Santa in a way that made me go oogedy-boogedy in my betweenmedownthere. A shame, I know. I’m sorry to disappoint you.

But! This is gangletown’s “HDM” which means that there is a minimum thirst requirement of 100%. And ‘Tis the Season! Right? While I may not vybe on the classic octagenarian white-bearded Santa grandzaddy journey, I can totally fuq with a themed alternative. So, HO HO HO! Sexy Santa-time it is. “Sexy Santa” is DILFoftheWeek! Here are some of my favorite sexy Santas for you to drool over.

Jake Gyllenhaal in Jarhead. An unsurprising and basic way to start the list? Yes. But Jarhead is important. It could be on the alt-Holiday movies list (like Die Hard) because of the Christmas scene. Young Jake, pictured above, dons we now the gayest of apparel and, tbh, it’s like…climb down my chimney!!

There is a lot to unpack dramaturgically in this scene, but we won’t go there. The film as a whole isn’t exactly an upper. But we do have Jake, holiday hats, and butt so that is a different kind of upper… eh hem.

(*Beep Beep* Tangent: At one of my old restaurants, I served Jake a couple of times, and he was very pretty. I do not remember how he tipped. That’s all).

Michelle Yeoh in Last Christmas. In the 2019 film Last Christmas, which stars the exceeeeeeedingly bonertown Henry Golding and Emilia Clarke (drooling face emoji #bisexualdreamscape), Michelle Yeoh plays a character named Santa. She owns a Christmas shoppe where she sells ornaments and bobbles and sugarplums and all of that business. She just fuckin’ loves Christmas and loves looking hot as hell. That’s like 84% of her storyline I think. I might have blacked out because she was so gorgeous so don’t hold me to it.

Objectively speaking, Yeoh has always been a total babe but now, as SANTA!? Like, where is this Santa at the mall when you need it?

Justin Cornwell in Jingle Jangle. I put Jingle Jangle into my list of favorite things for November because it is so well done and because I liked it. I liked it because right from the get we are greeted by this stunning specimen of a MAN, Justin Cornwell. He isn’t high-key famous yet, but I imagine it’s just a matter of time before he blows up in earnest. Because…my god, look at him! This is a family film, and yet there I was in the first ten minutes like, “How you doin’?”.

Technically, Cornwell’s character isn’t a “Santa” in the traditional sense. BUT, Jeronicus is a toymaker/inventor. He employs small people (read: youths, not elves) to help create and distribute products. He has a beard. So he is basically Santa. And he is undeniably Dzaddy.

Obviously, this list is not comprehensive…WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE SEXY SANTA? Please. I really want to know.

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3. Audiobook Binge

I’ve been an audiobook advocate for a long while now, and, as I mentioned a while back, I have a job in publishing that lets me really go ham on the whole audiobook experience. This month, I’ve already consumed seven audiobooks in full. I do have an opinion about the increased value of sitting down and reading a book with one’s eyeballs/hands, but at the end of the day, I still choose to use the audio option a lot of the time. In this year of the ‘Rona, I’ve found it much more accessible for me personally.

This month, I’ve bumped through the following books (so far). Some of them I consumed with awareness, and others were consumed via my game “Audiobook Roulette.” The roulette titles are noted with an asterisk*. I am not formally recommending all of them, but I enjoyed all of them for one reason or another and celebrate each of the authors for their efforts to tell these stories.

  • Pretty Things by Janelle Brown

  • Memorial by Bryan Washington

  • This Time Next Year* by Sophie Cousens

  • Just Like You* by Nick Hornby

  • The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett

  • Ready Player Two by Ernest Cline

  • A Burning by Megha Majumdar

If you’re interested in exploring what I’ve been reading, check out our affiliate store via bookshop.org.


Please read the most recent Monday Edition of gangletown - “They’re Nothing Without You - aka The Pen

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