The 5 Best Pics for Your Dating Profile
from someone who doesn't have a dating profile
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Sometimes I miss having an online dating profile. But okay, hold on and let me clarify straight away because I know some of y’all are insatiable when it comes to drama, and you’re going to read too much into that statement. Yes, I’m married! And yes, the marriage is going #great. No, I don’t miss dating. Sometimes I just miss having a dating profile. Actually, no. I take that back. It isn’t even that I miss having the profile itself; I actually miss constructing the profile. From my ivory tower of no-longer-dating privilege/nostalgia, the game of choosing the perfect anecdotes and images was always a lot of fun for me. And now, whenever my friends allow me to scan their profiles or swipe through the folx popping up in their feeds for them, I revel in the moment.
I can hear my single/dating friends rolling their eyes. “It’s not fun. I hate it.” I know that most of you abhor the online dating process entirely. You wish you could incinerate every app, website, and questionnaire from start to finish. You just want to find the person (or persons) and GTFO. And I support you! People are weird, the internet is dumb, and dating can be very hard. Support.
Because you hate it so much, I hope that I might be able to help you. If I’m right, maybe you’ll be able to get off the apps more quickly? Maybe. I make no promises. But, before I go into my stereotypically over-confident white opinion listicle breakdown of best photos to use, a little background might be helpful. What is my experience with online dating?
Before I met my now-husband, I was single and on dating sites in earnest for a stint of about a year - maybe a year and a half - between 2012 and 2013. I see this as both a proof of concept (I’m off the apps, right?) and probably an admission of how truly out of touch I must be with the current state of things.
The early twenty-teens weren’t exactly prehistoric times, but they were notably different. Dating apps existed but, believe it or not, they were not the norm yet. Back then, other than Match(.com), OKCupid(.com) was one of the top dating site options. At least it was in the city. From what I can gather, it is now utterly passé. For The Gays ™, I must acknowledge that Grindr and Scruff were certainly a thing by then but only by a little bit. I used them very lightly, but those spaces were/are different (and you know why). Instagram was still brand new, too, and had not become the full-blown maelstrom of bullshit and DM-hook-ups that it is today. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, Grumpy, Bashful, Doc - they didn’t even exist yet. So I was on OkCupid because 1) it existed and 2) it was “legit” (read: actually for dating), and 3) free.
I did pretty well online dating. Soon after joining, I was chatting with several people and eventually went on a first date with a lovely man named Daniel. We dated casually for a few months before it pittered out because I wasn’t ready for a whole serious thing. Later, I met Max, who ended up being the first guy I called my “boyfriend” since the great breakup of 2012. Max lasted a few short months and ended because I was anxious all the time, and it just wasn’t a great fit. There were a small few one-off dates and lots of the usual messaging back and forth in and out of those couplings. I also continued dating people I met non-digitally.
I didn’t marry any of the people I met via online dating (Blaine and I met doing a play for a mutual friend), but that had nothing to do with the website/app's failure. The function of the dating profile is to start the conversation - that’s it. I theorize that the relationship will probably have a stronger likelihood for success if both parties are honest about who they are and what they want from moment one. I don’t have a citation to support this statement; I just believe it. The rest has to be built out in person.
Back in my day, you could upload a carousel of 3-5 photos to represent yourself to potential suitors, and I think that is still the case for most platforms. I know the apps now have niche approaches to set them apart from the others, and I’ve seen enough of y’all swiping and tapping to get the gist. Regardless of a forum’s rules or the anecdotes revealed (which I also have opinions on), the pictures are still a big part of this process. My M.O in online dating always included photos of a specific type and in a specific order. So, as promised, here they are, take ‘em or leave ‘em.
Photo #1: Your best medium.
The first photo that someone sees on a dating profile should never be the “best” photo you’ve got. It should be fine. A solid medium. The kind of picture that shows an honest version of you on like a Thursday when you’re out for a beer with the girls. Do not include the girls in the photo. It’s a cute pic. You’re not in work attire. This is an every day, chill-vibes, honest version of yourself captured in a nice enough picture. But not too nice! It depicts the common, day-to-day person you really are. It should intrigue but leave your suitor asking for more.
FAQ: “Why wouldn’t I lead with my best photo forward?” Because we don’t live real life at our best. Sorry. That’s the truth. If you catch the eye of someone based on this medium photo, you’re in great shape! Why? Because you have room to expand. The reality is that, though it is lovely to bait a beau with headshots, model tests, rock-climbing, boating, or vacation photos, that isn’t real life for most people. Start simple.
Photo #2: Activity.
A huge part of the traditional dating process is learning about what another person enjoys doing and then doing those things on dates. A photo of you in your element is a great way to kickstart what kind of activities you’re into—concerts, dining, watching sports, photography, gardening, cooking. If you find that your “activity” is mostly couch surfing and drinking screw-cap wine, own that shit! As long as it’s honestly your thing.
Common faux pas: misrepresentation. Are you a hiker? Like an actual hiker? Spoiler alert: “Hiking” is a dating-site cliche. What most people call hiking on their dating profiles is actually just going for longer-than-normal walks twice a year on a trail near a public park; real hikers are a particular breed of people and if you’re not one of them, just pick a different activity.
P.S. If you’re a Disney fanatic, just save everyone the trouble and shoot your shot here. It will be a boon or burden, and there is no point in wasting anyone’s time.
Photo #3: Curated OR Skin.
It is not unreasonable to include one photo of yourself at the top of your game and looking a bit more done-up and fresh than you do on an average Wednesday. Or even an average Friday. For this photo, maybe you’re at an opening night, or maybe you got a gorgeous new headshot for the work website. Maybe you looked smokin’ hot and got snapped by the club photographer at a crysp party in Vegas or Des Moines or whateversuch place. This is the spot for that journey. OR…
Alternative. If you want to show some skin, this would also be the spot. But remember, you get one. Either/Or. Showing off your gorgeous appendectomy scar is wonderful, and we celebrate the body in all its forms, but you have to admit that the law of diminishing returns comes into play here hardcore. Too much skin could turn off someone actually interested in getting to know you. I’m not saying that is a good thing. I do not endorse the slut-shaming mentality of our culture, but it is a thing whether we like it or not.
Caveat. If you just want to smash, the rules are totally different. Show all the skin you want!
Photo #4: Joyfully Silly.
We’re all weirdos, y’all. Every rom-com under the sun has taught us that the real ones are the ones worth fighting for. Personality is crucial. This should be a photo where you don’t look all put together. It’s a stark contrast from Photo #3 on purpose. It’s the “Instagram vs. reality” approach. Anyone worth their salt will love it because it shows that you’re having fun with this whole online dating thing.
In the photo, you have rough hair and no/low make-up. You could be wearing sweats or pj’s. You spilled something all over yourself, and your friends are laughing at you. Or maybe you’re unflatteringly sweaty after struggling through a beginners Pilates class that you’ll never go back to. Perhaps you're carrying a bunch of lamps on the subway for…reasons. No matter what, the point is that you can be decidedly less put together than you are on a normal day, and you’re laughing about it. Because you ARE a fun person, and that IS sexy as hell.
Personal note: If there wasn’t something showing that a person was at least a little bit of a weirdo, I was out. I wanted to see someone genuine and fun that didn’t take themself too seriously. An ugly photo of someone in a silly situation > than a curated photo of them looking hot.
Photo #5: Norm-Core.
If there is space for a fifth pic, this is a totally fine photo of yourself. You’re probably posing for the camera and doing a “1, 2, 3 - smile”-smile. You’re probably wearing business casual (or your version of that). It was taken at happy hour with your work friends, and someone named Kristen took it without really asking if they could. When they took it, you felt a little like, “ugh, I’m probably greasy, and I have a zit” Before the snap, you thought twice about how to hide your beer. But then, when Kristen sent it to the group text that you muted the very minute it was initiated six months ago and hadn’t really looked at since, you zoomed in on yourself and thought, “oh, that’s actually a nice one.” You ‘loved’ the photo in the group chat and posted it to your Instagram with the hashtag #PerksoftheJob. Six months later, you looked back at the photo and wondered why it didn’t get that many likes. But it’s still a nice photo.
DO NOT USE THE FOLLOWING PHOTOS:
Selfie. If you can, avoid them altogether.
Duckface selfies.
Any selfie which does not frame down to at least the shoulder.
Photos of yourself in sunglasses (unless you’re Anna Wintour).
Anything photoshopped/facetuned/witchcrafted.
Group photos.
Anything that might be considered “popping bottles.”
Blurry photos.
Over-exposed photos.
Photos with your ex.
Pictures that don’t show what you really look like. (I cannot believe people actually do this. YOU’RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT)
Photos that are too old. I say you’ve got a maximum of ~2 years. Older than that, I’m skeptical. Highly skeptical.
Photos that don’t even have you in them.
NOW GO!
Get out there. Think a little too much about the pictures and give my method a whirl. If it works, let me know so that I can rebrand as a dating expert.
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