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For the longest time in my life, I had a great amount of pride in being exhausted. I was very much the I’m so busy guy. It was partially because I was truly more productive, creative, and effective when I was overwhelmed. I don’t know what causes that in a person, but, for me, it was true. The more I had on my plate, the better I was at all of it. And, for better or worse, the overwhelm fed my ego in a massive way.
My identity was wrapped up in being busy all the time. When someone asked, “who are you?” I would respond by talking about the things I was doing. I’m a writer, and I’m doing this, this, this, and this. OH! And I have this day job where I am X successful. And I do this on the side, and just did this big project. It was relentless.
I even spent parts of college and my early twenties working through the winter holidays, taking pride in a seemingly never-ending ability to keep my foot on the gas. Even during the one time of year where everyone seems to agree it is alright to take a break, I chose to work. I was work, so it wasn’t even a debate.
A few years ago, though, something shifted. In as few words as possible, I realized that I didn’t want to be a job.
Since then, I’ve been working on myself a lot. Or, as I prefer to phrase it, I’ve been working on my bullshit.
Now, I do my best to divorce myself from the idea that a person’s career defines their personhood. It is very difficult. When people want to know what my life is like, work still tends to be the focus of whatever I have to say. I even talk about work, and the importance of work, in therapy almost every week. Oh god, I am writing about it now, aren’t I?
The difference now, I hope, is in the small amount of consciousness I’ve gained over the last few years. Before, I would run my body ragged by taking on more than I should have been able to handle. I’d then force myself to take on more because…that’s who I was. I took on too much and to top it off, I allowed no time to recover because I believed that constant overwhelm and busyness was equivalent to success. Taking time off was weakness. Taking time off was failure.
I don’t think that anymore. Now, I believe that the work and the person can co-exist as two separate entities, no matter how often they might look the same. I believe that for the person to create the work - because the work is an outcome - they have to be whole, healthy, and well-rested.
This year, I’m tired. I’m tired and I want to rest.
2021 has been a big year. I don’t need to explain why. So, on Thursday I am going to begin a winter break. I intend to use that winter break for healing. I am going to allow my body and mind time to float and breathe. I am going to let go of the idea obligations. I am going to sleep as much as my body needs, and maybe even a little bit more than that. If I want to write, I will write, but I will not write because I am supposed to.
I am going to take a break.
Thank you for all of your love and energy this year in Gangletown. I’m so proud to be the recipient of the energy you gift me with each week, and my gratitude is inexpressible.
See you in 2022, Gangles.
Love, David
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Enjoy your break! <3 We need to plan a visit soon. No pressure.