Millenial Byaby Naymes
a tiny play
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I haven't completed a new full-length play in like a year and a half. But I have written about 80 very silly 3-5 minute plays like this one. So that still counts, right?
[DONNIE and LEX are setting up a baby shower for their friend.]
LEX: I can’t believe Hannah is going to have a baby. This is so weird. Are we growing up? Like our friends are having freakin’ babies!
DONNIE: I know it’s insane.
LEX: Insane. I can’t even imagine doing that right now.
DONNIE: I can.
LEX: Seriously? You’re not even dating anyone.
DONNIE: Excuse you, Miss Handmaid’s Tale. I could have a kid on my own if I want. It’s a modern world!
LEX: Whoa. Okay. Fine. Sure you could.
DONNIE: And I’d name her...Madysyn. But with two Ys.
LEX: What?
DONNIE: M.a.d.y.s.y.n.
LEX: Why?
DONNIE: What do you mean?
LEX: Why two Ys? I don’t get it.
DONNIE: Oh…uh, I don’t know. It’s just cute and a little different.
LEX: That’s what I was afraid of.
DONNIE: “Afraid of?”
LEX: Why is everyone doing that? Spelling names with random Ys for no reason all of a sudden?
DONNIE: You don’t like it?
LEX: I don’t.
DONNIE: Oh.
LEX: Sorry! I know I’m not supposed to say that, but…I don’t. I actually kind of hate it. Actually, I hate it a lot. A lot, a lot. Like, that’s a deal-breaker.
DONNIE: Oh, please.
LEX: No, I’m serious. We would not be friends.
DONNIE: So I choose a baby name that you don’t like, you’ll break up with me as my friend?
LEX: Not because of every name, just when it’s absurd and random like that.
DONNIE: Okay, so will you break up with Hannah if she names her kid Madysyn?
LEX: Yeah, probably.
DONNIE: Are our relationships really that shallow? You’re my best friend, Lex.
LEX: And you’re mine.
DONNIE: So let’s not joke about letting go of each other over silly things like this.
LEX: Maybe you’re right...except, ya know, I can’t be a passive supporter of bad behavior anymore. This world has gone crazy, and most of the time, I have no idea what to do to make a difference. But here? I can see how my actions could have an actual impact.
DONNIE: Okay, I don’t think it’s fair to compare the state of the world to something like the spelling of a baby name.
LEX: Little things matter, D. They build up. There is a sweeping sense of dumbness taking us over-
DONNIE: Are you calling me dumb?
LEX: No, not you, but culturally we are declining-
DONNIE: Well, I am a product of my culture, and I can’t help that.
LEX: Change starts with the relationships closest to you.
DONNIE: You act like society is ending. It’s a fuckin’ baby name, dude! What the hell!
LEX: D, I am happy with anything that doesn’t have a superfluous “Y” added into it. It’s my only caveat. Spell Madison normally.
DONNIE: I…I don’t know. It’s not as cute to me.
LEX: Fine, pick another name.
DONNIE: How about Carsyn? C.a.r.s.y.n.
LEX: NO! No Y’s! Why the Y? How about Sandra? Karlee, Laura, Marcella-
DONNIE: My Mom, my nemesis, my dry-cleaner, and Marcella Goethel lost my gerbil in 3rd grade.
LEX: Bitch.
DONNIE: She wasn’t a bitch.
LEX: Whatever. Okay, you pick then.
DONNIE: Okay, how about L-
LEX: ANYTHING WITHOUT A Y.
DONNIE: L…shit. I’m trying! It’s like my brain doesn’t know any. Landyn! L.a.n.d.y- dammit!
LEX: Come on!
DONNIE: A-man-d…….dyn.
LEX: Amandyn. Aman-dyn. Wow, you’re legit broken.
[DONNIE gets a text.]
DONNIE: Oh my god.
LEX: What? What?
DONNIE: Oh, this is bad.
LEX: Show me…oh shit.
DONNIE: Hannah is going to name her kid “Biscuit.”
LEX: ……..GROSS.
DONNIE: Yuck!
LEX: What the-
DONNIE: Absolutely not. We have to put a stop to this.
LEX: That is child abuse.
DONNIE: Truly.
LEX: Hey - can we like put our shit aside for a minute and address this issue together?
DONNIE: We have to if we’re going to defeat this evil.
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I LOVE THIS