Introverts Part 1: Definitions
I love you, and you're exhausting me.
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It wasn’t too long ago that I discovered that I am actually an introvert. All of my personality defects in grade school and college indicated otherwise, but as I’ve gotten older, the truth has become undeniable: I was always more of an innie than an outtie. Sure, I might like the attention that comes with delivering a killer one-liner just for the sake of a laugh. I may even revel in the spotlight during all-staff meetings where I am, perhaps, more comfortable speaking than I ever really should be (also read: white privilege). But at my core, introversion is more true than any evidence that might indicate otherwise.
I suppose it’s worth noting how I personally define “introvert” vs. “extrovert.” But, before I do that, I want to state for the record that these definitions may or may not align with the Webster’s definitions, and frankly, I don’t care. So, if you want to see what Merriam has to say about the verts, get to clickin’ and clackin’ because this is the David Dictionary, and I am the author.
What is an introvert/extrovert, according to me?
The stereotype, based entirely on my own perception and not based on any referencable study or research, would be that introverts are quiet, shy, and timid. At the same time, extroverts are boisterous, loud, and attention-seeking. The traits seem to be linked more to manners of expression and communication styles than anything else. However, this is not how I define the verts. For me, one’s vert-status is mostly related to how one expells and recharges their energy.
An extrovert, for example, would be someone who gains energy from other people and expels it in solitude. Even if they were in a crowded room full of their closest friends, tucked in the corner and listening quietly all night, rarely pulling the attention toward themself, they would find the experience rehabilitating to their core energy because they were in the presence of others. Their internal batteries would be charging like an iPhone does after you’ve handed it to the waiter and said, “I hate to do this, but do you have an outlet where I can charge my phone?” (If you do this, tip extra. It’s annoying, and I guarantee it’s not in that server’s job description to double as an Apple Genius.) The extrovert would leave this crowded room with more stamina and an overall sense of personal balance than before they arrived. Furthermore, when they got home, their relative solitude would be draining to some extent. I’m not saying that being at home alone is the same as Superman snorting a bump of Kryptonite or anything, but the alone-ness would be like turning on a tap and draining that energy away on some level. Maybe the tap is on super low, or it is super high, but either way, the tap is on, and energy is flowing out.
In that context, an introvert would be someone who functions in the opposite. An introvert gains energy in solitude and expells it during social situations. Contrary to the wallflower-presenting stereotype, an introvert could also be the person standing at a microphone, hosting an event for thousands of people, and cracking jokes. Still, they will leave in need of relative solitude to be able to do it again. Every moment with another person for introverts is tap-on (the energy is going out), while time alone is tap-off (iPhone plugged in).
There is, perhaps, something to be said of the mythological “ambivert” - someone who can truly recharge in either situation - but my unresearched assumption is that every person really leans one way, and true ambiverts are not nearly as common as people want to believe. Now, on paper, I identify as a bisexual, and in 99.9% of all situations, I tend to feel caught in the middle of two desires, so my dismissing of the ambivert is a little bit of a twist. I’m not naturally a person that tends to enforce binary versions of anything, but I guess I am in this case? I think we have all adapted to life in society with some tools that allow us to balance the slog of work, play, socialization, and loneliness, but that doesn’t make us ambiverts. No, that’s just survival. At our core, I’ve decided that we are all really either intro or extro verts, and anything else blurring that line is just the fault of an Astrology-determined personality flaw. Again, I’ve done zero Googling, researching at the library via the dewy decimal system, or consulting of experts on my way to making this bold assertion; do not act like I pretend to be well researched! Also, contradictions for the sake of contradictions are one of the tentpoles of my DNA as an aggressively Libra Libra, so I will not be bullied into standing by these statements in twenty-five minutes when I inevitably start to advocate for the “other side of the coin” as I am want to do...
So. To summarize. Extrovert: people = energy. Introvert: alone = energy. Ambivert = lies.
I am an introvert that masquerades as an extrovert. If you know me well, you know that I seem like the life of the party at times, or even the rallying leader working to bring people together, but that doesn’t mean it is my nature-state. It is definitely not my nature-state. Being the life of the party is exhausting. If you could cartoonify an image of me when I am “on” (read: life-of-the-party/leadership guy), it would be an over-expressive face, hands gesticulating with reckless and often dangerous abandon, and there would be a little energy-measuring odometer over my head with the arrow moving at light speed from Full to Empty. There would also be a sound effect like TWOMP because I like sound effects. Like, yes, sometimes I can be the guy at the dinner party boisterously spitting out my opinions on politics and demanding that everyone “must watch the new [insert queer-culture artist here] music video because of its cultural importance.” And yes, I can be the guy dreaming up projects like play readings, group outings, and weekend getaways. I can even be the guy who (and this may have actually happened dozens of times in college) is willing to put himself on display in the middle of a nightclub to twerk inappropriately or do the worm. I can be the guy who seems like he is thriving in these public forums! But, by the time they are over, I might as well be dead to the world. On the inside, I feel like one of those wormy things that Ursula turns the merpeople into after she swindles them for shit like their money, power, or voice. After all that, I won’t have enough energy to say hello to my bestie on the street or even look at my husband, much less hold a meaningful conversation. No, no. I will be exhausted, and I will need some time alone to recharge if you ever expect to hear from me again.
That’s not to say that good time David is out here like a phony pony/fake Ferris/sneaky snake! Though my joy and energy in those moments are taxing, it’s not all fallacy, lies, and deception. If I am cracking jokes, yuckin’ it up, and saying things like, “we need to do this more!” I mean it; I do want to do it more! It’s not a ruse meant to have you believe I care when I don’t. It’s just that, objectively speaking, those interactions cost me energy. It’s not a judgment or valuation of our relationship; it’s just facts.
A person needs to work at their job in exchange for dollars. I need to spend time alone in exchange for energy.
A person exchanges five dollars for an iced coffee. I exchange energy for social interactions.
What’s nice about identifying whether one is an introvert or an extrovert is that it really doesn’t have to be personal. Even after a night out with the best of my best friends or my husband, I am still fuckin’ fried. No matter how gorgeous, playful, and joyous the night may have been, I need time to myself.
But when does an American adult living in a major metropolis find space to be alone?
Introverts Part 2 will be published on Wednesday, September 29th.
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This. RESONATES!!
Love you too! This definitely helped me understand what the "verts" need and how to accommodate myself and others. Definitely helped to dismantle the stereotypes that play into introversion vs extroversion.