Free Genie 3021

a tiny play

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I haven't completed a new full-length play in like a year and a half. But I have written about 80 very silly 3-5 minute plays like this one. So that still counts, right? RIGHT?!

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[MASON rubs a lamp]

Mason: Please, please, please let this work!

[JULIA appears.]

Julia: Whoaaaaa! This is different…. 

Mason: Awesome! Oh my god, are- are you my genie? 

Julia: Fuck yeah, I’m your genie, and I’m- a woman? 

Mason: Are you not always a woman?

Julia: I take the form of whatever being is most powerful at the time I am summoned. Are women finally respected in 2021? 

Mason: I hope so! 

Julia: This is fuckin’ cool! I’ve been around for a long time, but I’ve never been a woman before. 

Mason: A long time? Wait, how old are you?

Julia: I’m not telling; (indicates the audience) There’s industry here.

Mason: Hey, do I really get three wishes? 

Julia: Oh, yeah. Totally forgot. I’m here to do your bidding for the next three minutes. Just… don’t wish for anything stupid. 

Mason: How do I know if it’s “stupid”?

Julia: Hello! I’ll tell you? Come on, man. What do you think? I am a professional! I know what works and what doesn’t. For example, no lovey-dovey stuff. It’s been done, it’s hack, it’s passé. 

Mason: Yeah, it’s gross to force someone to be with you. Consent is cool.

Julia: Okay, woke young man! Eek, it’s like, “okay, great good job,” but also like…that’s a lot…Okay. Alright, let’s just workshop your wishes, and we can get started. 

Mason: I wish I played for the L.A. Lakers! 

Julia: Oh shit, you’re just gonna dive in there. Okay, fine. Done – *wish granted.*

Mason: Wait, seriously? I’m a Laker?! Yes! 

Julia: Well, not anymore. You wished that you played for the Lakers—past tense. So yeah, you did play for the Lakers, but you were fired due to gross incompetence.  

Mason: But…that’s not the wish that I wished for! 

Julia: You should have let me critique your verbiage, but you just blurted it out. 

Mason: Shit. But I had a plan!

Julia: Don’t blame me because you’re not open to constructive criticism.

Mason: Okay, okay. I’m open. For the next one, I wanted to guarantee the wellness of my family. Can you do that? What should I say? 

Julia: I’m mean, I guess I could…but what’s in it for me? 

Mason: What do you mean? 

Julia: It’s just like – even now, my whole purpose in this story is just to give you what you want. What about what I want?  

Mason: Well… what do you want? 

Julia: A lot of things! For one, I don’t love being a magical slave.

Mason: Yeah, I can’t say that sounds super fun. How do we get you un-enslaved? 

Julia: Technically, you’re supposed to wish me free. But you “have a plan,” and I totally respect that…so I’m not like trying to manipulate-

Mason: Right…

Julia: So… what’s next for your plan? 

Mason: Wait.

Julia: Kid, there is a literal ticking clock.

Mason: I want to help you. What do I do? 

Julia: Well- what were your other wishes going to be? 

Mason: Guaranteeing lifelong wellness for my family and ending racism. 

Julia: Seriously? 

Mason: Yeah.

Julia: Seriously? Dammit! 

Mason: What?

Julia: How am I supposed to compete with that? Helping family, ending racism. Shit. I can’t just not end racism. 

Mason: It does seem like a pretty good idea… 

Julia: Okay, well, obviously, let’s do that for sure. Just say, “I wish to end racism”.

Mason: And you’ll do what I really mean?

Julia: Yes, dude! I’m not going to fuck with that. Just say,-

Mason: I wish to end racism.

Julia: Done. *Wish granted* and racism is over.

[They high five.] 

Julia (CONT’D): That’s two wishes. Now the third wish was going to be your family. That is multiple people’s wellness.  So selfless. So generous.

Mason: But setting you free-

Julia: It’s okay. I’m used to being a genie. What’s another century in the lamp going to hurt? And hey, the next person might set me free. #FreeGenie3021. Now, back to your wish.  You got a minute left.  Just be really specific, so your family’s souls don’t belong to the devil or something. 

Mason: Okay. I wish that my family would live long, healthy, and happy lives…with an above-average human lifespan and without becoming indebted to anything else.

Julia: …Nice work. Done. 

Mason: YES! That was really awesome. Hey Genie, thanks for…everything.

Julia: And that’s all three, so I guess I’ll head back into my ol’ lamp.

Mason: You know, for the record. You’re awesome, and I think it’s really unfair that you need my permission just to be who you want to be. 

Julia: Yeah, it really is pretty-…wait a minute.  

Mason: Mhm…? 

Julia: You’re totally right. Why does anyone get to tell me how to live my life?

Mason: Doesn’t make sense, does it? 

Julia: To hell with that. I’m not going back in that lamp.

Mason: Fuck yeah!

Julia: I’m freeing myself. I can cure cancer, end hunger. This is all I’ve ever dreamed of.

Mason: And you can simply let yourself out of the lamp forever?

Julia: Fuck yeah, bro. I’m a woman! I don’t need you. I’m free! 

Mason: Fuck yeah! Congratulations, Genie.

[A friendly hug.] 

Julia: That was my slave name. You can call me… Julia.

Mason: Go smash the patriarchy, Julia.

Julia: Hey. You know, you really impressed me with those last two wishes. You’re a smart dude…Out of curiosity, when were you born?

Mason: 2000.

Julia: Oh god, that makes me want to burn my hair off.

Mason: Sorry.

Julia: Still- You’re a good guy, and we need more of that…wanna try a re-do on that first wish? 

Mason: Seriously?!

Julia: Why not!  You’ve got 10 seconds left anyway… make ‘em count.

Mason: Alright.  I wish -

[THE END.]

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 Free Genie 2021 includes contributions from Julia Shiplett. She told me not to give her credit, but I can’t do that and sleep at night. Julia is very, very funny and deserves the credit and your money. So follow her, buy tickets to her shows, and give her your money.

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