Welcome to gangletown’s “Monday Edition,” where each week you’ll receive original writing by David Kimple. If that is good for your vybe and you’d like access to everything gangletown has to offer, check out subscription options here.
I haven't completed a new full-length play in like a year and a half. But I have written about 80 very silly 3-5 minute plays like this one. So that still counts, right?
[A “drink and draw” art class. BLAZE & Jesse sit are about to start painting.]
BLAZE: What are you going to paint?
JESSE: Well, the rest of the class is painting the cactus-desert-sunset, so I think I’ll do that.
BLAZE: Oooh, run with the crowd. Bold choice. I do this all the time, so I’m doing a self-portrait of myself in one of my past lives.
JESSE: Oh, good for you.
BLAZE: I’ve never seen you here.
JESSE: Yeah, first time. I can barely do stick figures, so wish me luck.
BLAZE: Good luck. Hey, can I ask you a question?
JESSE: Uh, sure, I guess.
BLAZE: Why does your heart hurt so deeply?
JESSE: …What?
BLAZE: I’m sensing a deep sadness in you.
JESSE: Oh. Uh…I’m okay, actually.
BLAZE: I’m an empath, and I pick up on energies really easily.
JESSE: I’m good. Thanks though…
BLAZE: It screams from you like the fear of a thousand pigs on their way to slaughter.
JESSE: You’re picking up someone else’s energy because I’m fine.
BLAZE: Maybe your pet turtle died.
JESSE: I don’t even have a turtle?
BLAZE: Well, not anymore.
JESSE: That’s such a weird thing to assume. How many people do you know with dead turtles?
BLAZE: Marci, Dani, Blaine, Joe, Kario, Laura, Darren- so at least seven.
JESSE: You’ve got weird friends.
BLAZE: OH!
JESSE: What?
BLAZE: Were you fired for being boring?
JESSE: No, I wasn’t fired- and I’m not boring. That is so rude. You don’t even know me.
BLAZE: Not personally, but I can see certain things. Like - you’re a flutist, and no one understands.
JESSE: I play the piccolo, actually, and look, I just came here to like do my “drink and draw thing” in peace. So if you don’t mind-
BLAZE: Have you got chlamydia?
JESSE: Oh my god!
BLAZE: Don’t be ashamed. Chlamydia is increasingly common, and in most cases, it’s actually easier to get rid of that than the common cold.
JESSE: What is wrong with you? I don’t have Chlamydia, I didn’t lose my job, I don’t have a turtle or parakeet, or an STI. In fact, I’m pretty utterly alone in all of the ways right now. Okay? Thanks for rubbing it in.
BLAZE: I’m just trying to-
JESSE: How would you like it if I start guessing really intimate things about you?
BLAZE: Well, if you’re also empathic, then we should share some tips-
JESSE: Were you raised by a bunch of failed detectives?
BLAZE: My earth-mother was a balloonist.
JESSE: You were homeschooled, so you have no social skills.
BLAZE: Close! Boarding school in Switzerland.
JESSE: Whatever! Just mind your own business.
BLAZE: I’m sorry, I just thought that-
JESSE: I just want to paint my freakin’ cactus!
BLAZE: Your cactus looks like a penis.
JESSE: Seriously!
BLAZE: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. You’re right. I should just shut up and sit over here alone. It’s cool; I’m used to it.
JESSE: Oh, come on, now you’re making me feel bad.
BLAZE: No, no- it makes total sense that you’re here in a group painting class so that you can get some solid alone time...
JESSE: Right.
BLAZE: Most people just watch YouTube tutorials these days but hey-
JESSE: Look. I don’t mean to be a Debbie, it’s just…this was supposed to be a date. And they didn’t show up. So I’m just feeling a bit burnt by the whole thing.
BLAZE: I knew there was something! I’m telling you, I can read these things.
JESSE: Yeah, I guess. Sorry. I shouldn’t take it out on you when you’re just trying to be nice.
BLAZE: I guess. Maybe I should have backed off, though? It’s clear you’re in a sensitive spot. But I’m also riding solo these days, so I was just hoping to connect. I tend to have a little trouble in the friend department.
JESSE: Let’s start over? I’m Jesse.
BLAZE: Blaze.
JESSE: Nice to meet you.
BLAZE: Back at you. And that? It still looks like a penis-cactus.
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