Can one be extremely average?

just a super medium guy

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I’ve poured myself a finger of scotch, and I’ve sat down to write. Really, I’ve stood up to write, but I suppose the ergonomic positioning of my body is less important than the fact that I am, indeed, doing the thing I set out to do today. The scotch is important, too, because it catapults me back into the mentality of my Bukowski-loving self at twenty years old.

I’ll never forget reading Postal Service while studying abroad in London and making poetic the alcoholism of the protagonist Henry. It’s been so long since I’ve read the book that I can’t remember much of what actually happens, though. I know Henry was a mail carrier and that he quits at some point. I know that he is a drunk. I know that it is grotesquely male or masculine, or/and misogynistic, or something.

I also know that reading it made me want to be an extreme character like that…but I’ve never been extreme; I’ve always been a pretty average guy. So perhaps the only extreme that I am is…extremely medium. 

Ah, there it is! The question.

Can ‘medium’ be extreme? Can average be extreme?

To be direct, this is a question that plagues the recesses of my mind daily, so I do not have an answer. I sometimes have temporary lapses of sanity which make me believe that, perhaps, I have found an answer, but I always manage to prove myself wrong at some point. Then again, correct. Then again, wrong.

Circuitous.

Can one be extremely average?

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Here are some ways that I am superlatively medium:

I was born on time

I was about 7 pounds and around 21 inches

I was named after my Grandfather, and sort of after the Bible?

I am white

I am male

I have brown hair

I have blue eyes

I am 6’1”

I like men

I like women

I am a libra

I work in sales

I am a middle manager

I love coffee

I love cold brew coffee

I love iced coffee 

Shopping at Target makes me feel safe

I was the student body president in high school

I was a part of “that couple” in high school, and when we broke up, I didn’t know who I was

My shoe size is 10

I just lied about my shoe size

Much of the furniture in my home comes from West Elm

I like sitcoms

I don’t have many conscious kinks in ‘the bedroom.’ 

I got married at 30 

I have a cracked iPhone 

I have had achievements that others are proud of but which I do not believe are big enough.

I have never been acknowledged by an institution as a writer in the way that I deem personally “successful.”

I believe what I have to say is important sometimes

I believe I will be good at everything I do before I do it

I am often not good at things, and sometimes I feel shame about my failures

I have parents that love me 

My dad gave me my first car

I don’t mind business casual dress codes

I don’t mind open offices

I had a podcast 

My name is David 

My brother’s name is Matthew

I have never read the bible

It was big news when my hometown got a Starbucks

I can’t keep orchids alive

I have opinions about things like politics, even when I don’t fully understand them.

I don’t have a full-time career in the thing I majored in in college

Being male has benefitted in ways I can remember, specifically

I have been promoted based on potential instead of actual skills

I use jokes to cover up my insecurities

My first cat’s name was Mouse

I was a jock as a kid and idealized Shaquille O'Neill 

Before Shaquille, I idealized my Dad

I still idealize my Dad

When I was a child, I thought I was special

I still think I’m special (sometimes) 

I don’t know how to value things for myself without validation from others

I give power to people I think are cooler than me

I sometimes think of what I can get from others before I decide if I will give them my time

I love being busy

I love being a New Yorker

I am a New Yorker, but I technically live in New Jersey

I have considered branding my Instagram

I have posted publicly about taking a break from Instagram before taking a break from Instagram.

I have anxiety issues significant enough that this sentence makes me nervous.

I worry about my younger sibling

I do not know how to help them

I worry about my Mom

I do not know how to help her

I worry about my older brother

I do not know how to help him

I worry about these people, and I do not know how to help them, but I always act like I have an answer.

I struggle not knowing things

I struggle not being the best

I am not the best at anything I can think of, and that is not an exaggeration.

Not being the best motivates me and debilitates me

The idea of not succeeding makes me want to quit so that I can not fail

I wish I had curly hair

I pick up accents accidentally depending on who I am around

This has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion

I’ve used the sentence “if I had to leave the city then….” 

I’ve considered working in politics but believe that someone would find something bad about me and use that as an excuse not to be more involved.

I don’t know what they’d find.

The idea of being “caught” as a fraud is one of the scarier things that I can imagine.  

I feel shame about sex

I lost my virginity in high school

The first time I was drunk, I acted drunker than I probably was

I have let people fall in love with me even though I knew I didn’t love them back

I graduated college Cum Laude because I didn’t go to any of the science classes

I went to a state school

I could make this list until I died

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